Saturday, June 13, 2009

EXHALING PAIN



Just thought it was time for a release. A much needed one. I walk around with a smile on my face like the sun always shines in my world. Life's experiences have numbed me from emotions and the need to express. I have held on to so much because of my personal fears of appearing vulnerable. Well today, I feel the need to release this pain. A situation happened 2 months ago while I was in Houston on business and visiting a few friends and family.

I came back to California like everything was just peachy. I didn't cry about the situation because I'd cried out all of tears I felt I had left in my tear ducts. I came back to California and tried to suffocate the reality of the "hurt" I felt because I wanted to alleviate the pain. I busied myself with writing, networking, overexertion at the gym and doing anything to keep my mind from being idle. The truth is, I don't know if he will ever read this. But if ever he does, I want him to know how I really feel. I want him to know the "hurt" that he's caused and take responsibility for the damage he caused.

I was in an untitled situation where I cared so deeply about someone that it scared me. I found myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do. Feeling things I never cared to feel. And I even found myself hoping for things I have never dreamt to hope for. I became engulfed in a situation of just wanting to be there to show him that I care, and as his "friend" I don't mind being there for him.

Well, turns out I was punished for having an emotion. It was never "I love you's" or things of the sort, it was more so the reactions I would have to certain situations. But instead of having an adult conversation with me about how he felt in the entirety of our "situation" he began to act out. He did things that were not becoming of his character. He engaged in unseemly acts with others while I was still present at his apartment. It was like he didn't care. No conscience. No regret. No remorse. He felt he did nothing wrong. He even went as far as trying to mask the ugliness of his actions with the "we're not together" statement. Though that was true, giving the chain of events in the the type of relationship we had, you don't do things that you know will hurt the other person regardless of the type of relationship/non-relationship you have with them.

I felt disgusted. Dirty. Defiled. Tarnished. Tainted. 

I felt used and every time I think of the things I witnessed, it sickens me. But most of all, it hurts. It hurts to think about it. It hurts to talk about it. It even hurts as I type these words and blog about it. Watching our memories as they slide off my face onto my MacBook. Trying to digest the fact that you never cared...though you said and showed you did. And the worst part is, I'm not even mad at you. I don't hate you and I still wouldn't wish anything bad on you. I don't hurt because of the way things turned out with us. I don't hurt because of the things that happened during my visit. I hurt because you never even took the time out to say "I'm sorry". You never apologized yet you continue to call and text me like nothing happened between us during my last visit. The fact that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions you took, hurts. 

So if you ever wonder why I no longer call as often or if at all, or why our conversations are brief, or why I always try to find an exit strategy when you call me, well, this is why. I don't think I can be your friend. And as much as I want to, its just too hard. And I've tried to argue with myself that we could be platonically "just friends". But my reality won't let me live that lie. My dignity wont let me live that lie. The morale and character of my being wont let me live that lie. If I see you in the streets, I'd be cordial. If you needed my help, I'd extend it to you after you've exhausted every possibility. But to just converse with you and keep pretending that all is gravy between the two of us is something I simply can not and will not do.

Today I am releasing this "hurt". I will not live my life in fear of having but a mere emotion. I will not be afraid to care about a genuine good person. I will not hold the pains you've caused me against the next simply because you couldn't handle it.

I am exhaling pain and making another step toward my future endeavors.

So LADIES and GENTS, if ever you find yourself seeping into an "untitled" relationship, I advise you to establish a lucid understanding of what each of you want. If you find that you both want completely different things and there's no room for compromise, LEAVE!!! Its not worth it. It's not worth staying in a situation that only has boundaries when things aren't going the way the other person wants it. And finally, you deserve to express your freedom of emotion without feeling like a caged animal. Free yourself. "Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Live like there's no tomorrow." 

B. Coll


No comments:

Post a Comment