ORGASMICALLY HAPPY

I bask in unadulterated happiness as the curve of a smile teases my cheeks. I cheat on happiness with joy because this fornication brings me peace.

Now I'm caught up, planted in, and willingly participating in this orgy of emotions. Ejaculating back to back delectation and trying to rediscover imperturbation. 

The pulsating beat in my chest accelerates as every thought of you grazes through my cerebellum. I feel this tenacious craving of immense need. Something unfamiliar...anomalous...obscure...and extraordinary. Leaving me in a benumb state.

My body speaks in a language I understand but my heart is speaking in a tongue to foreign for me to comprehend. And I'm stuck in a place I don't even want to run away from. 

Im being held prisoner of your smile. The sound of your voice bounds me to this flick. I switch positions with ease because you bring that flexibility out of me.

I'm doing splits on alleviation while strategically sucking the satisfaction out of comfort. And as comfort came on my face, I let the warm elation ooze all over me until reaching regalement.

And everyday that I talk to you, this cycle repeats itself, never missing a beat. Baby you make me....

Orgasmically Happy!!!

B. Coll 

EXHALING PAIN

Just thought it was time for a release. A much needed one. I walk around with a smile on my face like the sun always shines in my world. Life's experiences have numbed me from emotions and the need to express. I have held on to so much because of my personal fears of appearing vulnerable. Well today, I feel the need to release this pain. A situation happened 2 months ago while I was in Houston on business and visiting a few friends and family.

I came back to California like everything was just peachy. I didn't cry about the situation because I'd cried out all of tears I felt I had left in my tear ducts. I came back to California and tried to suffocate the reality of the "hurt" I felt because I wanted to alleviate the pain. I busied myself with writing, networking, overexertion at the gym and doing anything to keep my mind from being idle. The truth is, I don't know if he will ever read this. But if ever he does, I want him to know how I really feel. I want him to know the "hurt" that he's caused and take responsibility for the damage he caused.

I was in an untitled situation where I cared so deeply about someone that it scared me. I found myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do. Feeling things I never cared to feel. And I even found myself hoping for things I have never dreamt to hope for. I became engulfed in a situation of just wanting to be there to show him that I care, and as his "friend" I don't mind being there for him.

Well, turns out I was punished for having an emotion. It was never "I love you's" or things of the sort, it was more so the reactions I would have to certain situations. But instead of having an adult conversation with me about how he felt in the entirety of our "situation" he began to act out. He did things that were not becoming of his character. He engaged in unseemly acts with others while I was still present at his apartment. It was like he didn't care. No conscience. No regret. No remorse. He felt he did nothing wrong. He even went as far as trying to mask the ugliness of his actions with the "we're not together" statement. Though that was true, giving the chain of events in the the type of relationship we had, you don't do things that you know will hurt the other person regardless of the type of relationship/non-relationship you have with them.

I felt disgusted. Dirty. Defiled. Tarnished. Tainted. 

I felt used and every time I think of the things I witnessed, it sickens me. But most of all, it hurts. It hurts to think about it. It hurts to talk about it. It even hurts as I type these words and blog about it. Watching our memories as they slide off my face onto my MacBook. Trying to digest the fact that you never cared...though you said and showed you did. And the worst part is, I'm not even mad at you. I don't hate you and I still wouldn't wish anything bad on you. I don't hurt because of the way things turned out with us. I don't hurt because of the things that happened during my visit. I hurt because you never even took the time out to say "I'm sorry". You never apologized yet you continue to call and text me like nothing happened between us during my last visit. The fact that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions you took, hurts. 

So if you ever wonder why I no longer call as often or if at all, or why our conversations are brief, or why I always try to find an exit strategy when you call me, well, this is why. I don't think I can be your friend. And as much as I want to, its just too hard. And I've tried to argue with myself that we could be platonically "just friends". But my reality won't let me live that lie. My dignity wont let me live that lie. The morale and character of my being wont let me live that lie. If I see you in the streets, I'd be cordial. If you needed my help, I'd extend it to you after you've exhausted every possibility. But to just converse with you and keep pretending that all is gravy between the two of us is something I simply can not and will not do.

Today I am releasing this "hurt". I will not live my life in fear of having but a mere emotion. I will not be afraid to care about a genuine good person. I will not hold the pains you've caused me against the next simply because you couldn't handle it.

I am exhaling pain and making another step toward my future endeavors.

So LADIES and GENTS, if ever you find yourself seeping into an "untitled" relationship, I advise you to establish a lucid understanding of what each of you want. If you find that you both want completely different things and there's no room for compromise, LEAVE!!! Its not worth it. It's not worth staying in a situation that only has boundaries when things aren't going the way the other person wants it. And finally, you deserve to express your freedom of emotion without feeling like a caged animal. Free yourself. "Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Live like there's no tomorrow." 

B. Coll

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

I was watching this movie the other day, "He's Just Not That Into You". Am I the only one was was utterly disgusted at the opening of the movie? Well if you haven't seen the movie, it opens with children playing at a park. A little girl is building a sand castle and this little boy walks over and as she smiles, he pushes her very hard. The little girl asks, "What did you do that for?" and the little boys says, "because you smell like dog poo. You look like dog poo and you're made of dog poo." And she cries. 

Is this what disgusted me? NO!  It was when she went to the woman in charge with tears in her eyes and told her what the little boy said. This adult, this grown human being, this adult individual told the little girl,"He only hit you and said those mean things to you because he likes you. He doesn't know how to express himself." 

UTTERLY DISGUSTING!

Is this really what we want to plant into the minds of out little girls Psyche's? I mean do we really want our daughters growing up thinking that a man doesn't love them unless he's saying mean things or abuses her? And then we wonder why so many women are emotionally displaced. We wonder why our young girls have this "I want a thug"  mentality. We wonder why some women feel the need to hold on to this abuse. We wonder how can they possibly love a man who degrades them mentally, physically, and emotionally. Its because somewhere along the lines someone told them "He's only hitting you because he loves you", or "He only talks like that to you because he don't now how to express himself." 

When are we going to stop making excuses for his irate behavior? When are we going to stop lying to our girlfriends about the possibilities that "he will call or "he does like you." We as women need to take responsibilities for our own actions. A man can only do to you what you allow him to do! Yes allow!

We must take responsibility for our self assurance and self worth. You do not need a man to complete you. You need a man that complements you. You must be a whole person before entering into a relationship, because if you're not and he leaves, it leaves you with nothing. No dignity, no self-respect, no you. Never give up you to be with anyone. And stop listening to the bull crap that your girls are constantly putting in your head. A real friend is going to be completely honest with you, even at times when you want it sugarcoated, she's going to give it to you raw and real (R&R). 

So find that friend whose gonna sit down with you while you explain your issues with men, and hope and pray that she wipes your tears, look you in your eyes, and in the kindest way she says,"He's just not into you."