Abstinence...

ABSTINENCE

WRITTEN BY: B. COLL

Many of you may read this blog and many of you wont. So let me start by stating this. THIS BLOG IS NOT WRITTEN TO JUDGE YOU, SWAY YOUR SEX LIFE, OR TO CHANGE YOU. ITS BASED ON MY ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE(s) AND IF IT HELPS JUST 1, I AM UTTERLY SATISFIED. Ok. Now that we have established that, lets move forward. When given the wonderful invitation to write a contributing blog for Mr. BIsAnArtist, I simply pondered the details of something worth sharing and that was of any substance and had meaning. Abstinence became my topic of choice. Let me share my story. Enjoy:

I love sex. Hot, sweaty, deep, passionate sex. I love the feeling of a man thrusting his pelvis against mine, on top of mine, behind mine, inside of mine, etc. I love the heat of the moment and the body vibrations. I love the sound of headboards banging and the switch in pace as I breathe. I love the art of two bodies coming/cummin together and uniting as one...if even for the moment. I love sex!!!!

A contradiction to the title? Not at all. There was a time when I loved sex. As I grew into the young lady that I am today, my views on sex evolved. I was in and out of relationships, man to man, hurting myself, dirtying my sheets. All for what? All to end up in a familiar situation of confusion and pain all over again. For years I would blame these men for my fucked up mentality toward them. I was always quick to point my finger at them and their faults. I was always playing the victim. Then one day, I realized that if this is a repetitive cycle in my life...maybe, just maybe it wasnt the men at all. Maybe it was simply just me. And as I continued to mature as a young woman, I had to take a break and work on myself. I refused to play the victim anymore. Im not saying sex was the reason everything was so messed up...but I am saying that it has played a major role. Think about it ladies (and gents); Take 2 couples. Both couples have been dating 6 months. One couple has a sexual relationship and the other couple has a non-sexual relationship. They break-up. The non-sexual couple will surely recover from the pains and differences in their relationship that they couldn't resolve. The couple with the sexual relationship, well, it will take quite the while to get over the pain of the break up because you have given up so much of your self, your soul, and your inner most personal love. Ponder that.

Am I saying you shouldn't have sex? NO! I am stating what has/is working for me. I have come to the realization of knowing my self worth. In the generation that we live in today, 1 in every 5 people you've had sex with has/had an std. 1 in every 3 people you've slept with are HIV/AIDS positive and don't even know it. Check the National Aids Awareness site to back this up. Don't just take my word for it. I didn't decide to abstain from sex for religious belief or from contracting an std. I did not put a time limit on how long I will practice the act of abstinence either. I decided to do this because I refuse to lye with a dog and catch flea's. I refuse to be yet another statistic in the African-American community of women who are infested with HIV. I refuse to let any Tom, Dick, or Harry defile my temple. I refuse to be a "baby-mama" before I'm a wife. And I refuse to be left drowning in my tears feeling used or trying to psyche myself out that "that ni&&a (man,guy,dude) didn't mean s*&t anyway" knowing he did and thats why I'm so salty about it. But I also chose this path because it has given me a new pair of eyes. I can actually date a man with absolutely no expectations simply because I have clear and concise intentions. I know going into this thing that I want mental stimulation and a spiritual connection. I am also seeing who really has a genuine interest in me as a person versus a pretty face and nice body. Its interesting to say the least. I have met guys who told me I was "a beautiful person and it was nice to meet me" and never contacted me again after learning my views on sex...or lack thereof. I die laughing because I am still utterly amazed at how most people run from sacredness and virtue. Its hilarious to me. Im not "holier than thou" or the perfect christian. I am just a young woman trying to live a full, and healthy, and successful life.

I based my decision of practicing the act of abstinence because I have finally realized my virtue. I have gained a new love for myself and a deeper level of self-respect. Most importantly, I know my worth. Im not saying if you're getting your back blown out that its makes you any less of a woman. That NOT what I'm saying. But I do ask, what's your purpose or reasoning behind the act of sex besides the temporary sensational bliss of an orgasm? Honestly, I can masturbate and get to the same peak...and its guaranteed! Lol. But seriously, how do you feel when you lay with a different man every few nights? How do you feel when you lay with the same man every night and he's not even thinking about being your husband? How do you feel once he's gone? Besides that temporary good throbbing between your thighs...besides the temporary feeling of relief...besides a pulsating pussy...Im asking you to look in the mirror and really tap into your feelings. Every person you lay with takes a piece of you with them. It gets to the point to where you have nothing left to give. Drake said it best in his song "Brand New". Is anything I'm doing brand new? Its sad when the guy you letting hit now, is doing some real familiar shit...just a little bit better (or worse) than the last man. If you give it all away, what will you have left to offer your husband? But like I've stated earlier...I am writing this based on my on personal views, perceptions, and experiences.

The temptation is no joke, I will admit. It seems like now that Im abstaining, I meet the most beautiful, attractive, super sexy men I have ever met. Its crazy. But until I reach a strength level strong enough to maintain my composure, I don't put myself in tempting situations. Im almost 6 months in...my minimum goal is a year. I hear once you hit that year mark then it's a piece of cake. So now I divert ALL my energy to working out. At least I'll be super sexy by the time I do it again! Lol. But on a more serious note, if you are sexually active, PLEASE protect yourself. A condom will take you a long way. I know we've all "raw dogged" it before because it feels soooo much better. I know because I've done it. But I was and am also blessed to not have been burnt! So be safe. ALWAYS wear a condom. And please get tested and take your partner(s) with you to get tested. Don't wait until you catch something you can/can not get rid of because of ignorance and sheer stupidity. For the record, an HIV test is only conclusive if you have not participated in any sexual activity for a minimum of 3 months...so be careful!!!

When the time comes for me to share my body with whoever the next man will be, you better believe we have both been down to the clinic together and viewed our results together. But more so, you better know that regardless of how negative the results are...HE WILL ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM! And we will continue to get tested together every 3 months together. I love you...but I love ME way more!!!

B. Coll

MIC

SOMETIMES I FEEL THE NEED TO RELEASE BECAUSE I HAVE AN INSATIABLE ADDICTION CAUSING ME AFFLICTION IN THE WAY I COPE IN LIFE WITH OUT HIM. NEVER TO BE SATISFIED UNTIL I AM AGAIN BY HIS SIDE SO I PLACE MY VERBAL MASTURBATION ON PAPER UNTIL I CAN AGAIN COME WITH HIM SIMULTANEOUSLY. I AM A FEIND AND I KNOW IT.

I HAVE AN ADDICTION AND I SHOW IT. THERE IS NO REHAB THAT CAN REHABILITATE MY CURRENT DIAGNOSIS. I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 5 MONTHS IN A STATE OF WITHDRAWAL THAT WAS PURE HELL BECAUSE MY BODY CRAVED OF THE SMALLEST TASTE OF HIM. I WENT ON A HUNT ONLY TO FIND THAT THERE WAS NOT ANOTHER WHO COULD EVEN TOUCH THE SURFACE OF REPLACING HIM. I AM A FIEND AND I KNOW IT.

ADDICTED TO HOW HE LETS ME BLOW IT. ANYWAY I WANNA DO IT, HE JUST STOOPS TO MY LEVEL TO MAKE SURE IM IN A COMFORTABLE POSITION. ADDICTED TO THIS HEAD GAME. HE INSPIRES ME TO BE A HIGHER ME AND EMPOWERS ME TO KEEP GOING UNTIL WE RELEASE. AND THEN....WE'RE BACK AT IT AGAIN. BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR ONLY HIM. I AM A FIEND AND I KNOW IT.

HE'S A WHORE AND I PROMOTE IT. BECAUSE THE BOND WE SHARE WHEN IT'S JUST HIM AND I IS TO POWERFUL TO LET GO. THERE HAVE BEEN A NUMBER OF WOMEN WHO HAVE FALLIN VICTIM TO HIS BLACK POLE. SOME OF THEM I DIDNT KNOW. BUT OTHERS LET ME WATCH AS THEY INDULGED IN THEIR FORNICATION.

HER LIPS TO HIS HEAD, HER HANDS GRIPPIN HIS SHAFT, AND OTHERS WERE SO TALENTED, THEY DIDNT HAVE TO TOUCH HIM AT ALL. I WATCHED HER TECHNIQUE AS I ANXIOUSLY WAITED MY TURN. HE TURNED ME OUT. SO WHEN HE'S WITH ANOTHER CHICK, IM NOT BOTHERED. I KNOW WHEN MY TURN COMES AROUND AGAIN, WE'RE GOIN TO SKEET ALL OVER THE VENUE.

HIM AND I CREATE POSITIONS YOU AINT EVEN INTO. I AM FOREVER LOYAL TO HIM, SO PLEASE DONT GET TO COMFORTABLE WHEN HE'S WITH YOU. SOME OF YALL DO IT FOR THE SPOTLIGHT, SNAPS, HANDCLAPS, AND THE OOO OOO'S. I DO THIS SHIT FOR MY RELEASE OF THIS ADDICTION IM ADDICTED TO. I DO THIS FOR YOU MIC, BECAUSE MIC, I'VE MISSED YOU!

I AM NOT HER

I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR. I CAN FEEL YOU'RE PETRIFIED OF WHATS ALREADY HERE. YOU SPEND YOUR TIME TRYING TO PROTECT YOUR HEART BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID. YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE IN A BUBBLE BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T HANDLE YOUR PASSION. AND NOW I MUST SUFFER FROM THE PAINFUL RESIDUE OF ANOTHER. I MUST ACCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT AND CALL IT PATIENCE TO EXCUSE THE FACT THAT BABY, I AM NOT HER.

YOU CONTINUE TO HOLD BACK WHATS ON YOUR MIND WHILE YOUR HEART IS FIGHTING TO MOVE FORWARD. YOU HAVE BECOME DEAF TO THE REALITY OF ACTUALLY LETTING ME LOVE YOU. THE CLOSER I GET THE MORE U FIGHT. SHELL SHOCKED SCENES OF HER AND HIM CLOUT YOUR JUDGEMENTS. AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT AND CALL IT PATIENCE TO EXCUSE THE FACT THAT BABY, I AM NOT HER.

YOU PLAY WITH THE THOUGHTS OF THE WHAT IF'S AND THE PROBABLY NOTS. CONTEMPLATING, DEBATING AND RENEGOTIATING YOUR TRUE FEELINGS TOWARD AND FOR ME. YOU RELEASE REVISED, TWICE EDITED, ROUGH DRAFTED VERSION OF YOURSELF TO ME...LIKE I DONT DESERVE THE BRAIN STORM SHEET. AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT AND CALL IT PATIENCE TO EXCUSE THE FACT THAT BABY, I AM NOT HER.

FLASHBACKS HAVE BEEN FAST TRACKED INTO YOUR MEMORIES OF WHAT USED TO BE. SUBCONSCIOUSLY PLAYING ON THE WHAT WAS TO IGNORE THE WHAT SHOULD BE. CONTINUOUSLY MAKING EXCUSES OF WHY THIS CANT JUST SIMPLY BE WHAT BOTH OUR HEARTS LONG TO BE. BUSYING YOURSELF IN TEDIOUS TASK TO IGNORE THE REALITY. AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT AND CALL IT PATIENCE TO EXCUSE THE FACT THAT BABY, I AM NOT HER.

I CAN FEEL YOU PULLING AWAY LIKE THIS IS A TUG-O-WAR COMPETITION. BUT YOUR HEART IS STUCK IN THIS MAGNETIC FORCE AND OVERPOWERING YOUR DISPOSITION. AND I KNOW THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVEN'T WALKED AWAY IS OUT OF YOUR OWN COMPELLING INTUITION. SO BABY LISTEN,

I AM NOT HER. IM NOT IN THIS TO USE OR HURT YOU, NEITHER AM I HERE TO WASTE TIME. IM NOT HERE TO GET IN YOUR POCKETS OR TO LIE WITH THE NEXT MAN IN LINE. I AM NOT HERE TO FALSELY ACCUSE YOU JUST TO MAKE UP EXCUSES OF WHY I ABUSE YOU. I DO NOT CLAIM TO SUFFER FROM BLACKOUTS TO JUSTIFY MY THROWING DISHES AT YOU. I AM NOT THAT BITCH. I AM NOT THE LADY TO YOU WHO HAVE DONE THIS SHIT.

AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT AND CALL IT PATIENCE TO EXCUSE THE FACT THAT BABY, I AM NOT HER. BUT I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS. IF YOU DON'T GET OVER YOUR FEAR OF LOVE, AND BLINDLY COMPARING ME TO THE WHAT WAS, ONEDAY YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE UP AND ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF THERE WAS AN US....BABY, I AM NOT HER.

ORGASMICALLY HAPPY

I bask in unadulterated happiness as the curve of a smile teases my cheeks. I cheat on happiness with joy because this fornication brings me peace.

Now I'm caught up, planted in, and willingly participating in this orgy of emotions. Ejaculating back to back delectation and trying to rediscover imperturbation. 

The pulsating beat in my chest accelerates as every thought of you grazes through my cerebellum. I feel this tenacious craving of immense need. Something unfamiliar...anomalous...obscure...and extraordinary. Leaving me in a benumb state.

My body speaks in a language I understand but my heart is speaking in a tongue to foreign for me to comprehend. And I'm stuck in a place I don't even want to run away from. 

Im being held prisoner of your smile. The sound of your voice bounds me to this flick. I switch positions with ease because you bring that flexibility out of me.

I'm doing splits on alleviation while strategically sucking the satisfaction out of comfort. And as comfort came on my face, I let the warm elation ooze all over me until reaching regalement.

And everyday that I talk to you, this cycle repeats itself, never missing a beat. Baby you make me....

Orgasmically Happy!!!

B. Coll 

EXHALING PAIN

Just thought it was time for a release. A much needed one. I walk around with a smile on my face like the sun always shines in my world. Life's experiences have numbed me from emotions and the need to express. I have held on to so much because of my personal fears of appearing vulnerable. Well today, I feel the need to release this pain. A situation happened 2 months ago while I was in Houston on business and visiting a few friends and family.

I came back to California like everything was just peachy. I didn't cry about the situation because I'd cried out all of tears I felt I had left in my tear ducts. I came back to California and tried to suffocate the reality of the "hurt" I felt because I wanted to alleviate the pain. I busied myself with writing, networking, overexertion at the gym and doing anything to keep my mind from being idle. The truth is, I don't know if he will ever read this. But if ever he does, I want him to know how I really feel. I want him to know the "hurt" that he's caused and take responsibility for the damage he caused.

I was in an untitled situation where I cared so deeply about someone that it scared me. I found myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do. Feeling things I never cared to feel. And I even found myself hoping for things I have never dreamt to hope for. I became engulfed in a situation of just wanting to be there to show him that I care, and as his "friend" I don't mind being there for him.

Well, turns out I was punished for having an emotion. It was never "I love you's" or things of the sort, it was more so the reactions I would have to certain situations. But instead of having an adult conversation with me about how he felt in the entirety of our "situation" he began to act out. He did things that were not becoming of his character. He engaged in unseemly acts with others while I was still present at his apartment. It was like he didn't care. No conscience. No regret. No remorse. He felt he did nothing wrong. He even went as far as trying to mask the ugliness of his actions with the "we're not together" statement. Though that was true, giving the chain of events in the the type of relationship we had, you don't do things that you know will hurt the other person regardless of the type of relationship/non-relationship you have with them.

I felt disgusted. Dirty. Defiled. Tarnished. Tainted. 

I felt used and every time I think of the things I witnessed, it sickens me. But most of all, it hurts. It hurts to think about it. It hurts to talk about it. It even hurts as I type these words and blog about it. Watching our memories as they slide off my face onto my MacBook. Trying to digest the fact that you never cared...though you said and showed you did. And the worst part is, I'm not even mad at you. I don't hate you and I still wouldn't wish anything bad on you. I don't hurt because of the way things turned out with us. I don't hurt because of the things that happened during my visit. I hurt because you never even took the time out to say "I'm sorry". You never apologized yet you continue to call and text me like nothing happened between us during my last visit. The fact that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions you took, hurts. 

So if you ever wonder why I no longer call as often or if at all, or why our conversations are brief, or why I always try to find an exit strategy when you call me, well, this is why. I don't think I can be your friend. And as much as I want to, its just too hard. And I've tried to argue with myself that we could be platonically "just friends". But my reality won't let me live that lie. My dignity wont let me live that lie. The morale and character of my being wont let me live that lie. If I see you in the streets, I'd be cordial. If you needed my help, I'd extend it to you after you've exhausted every possibility. But to just converse with you and keep pretending that all is gravy between the two of us is something I simply can not and will not do.

Today I am releasing this "hurt". I will not live my life in fear of having but a mere emotion. I will not be afraid to care about a genuine good person. I will not hold the pains you've caused me against the next simply because you couldn't handle it.

I am exhaling pain and making another step toward my future endeavors.

So LADIES and GENTS, if ever you find yourself seeping into an "untitled" relationship, I advise you to establish a lucid understanding of what each of you want. If you find that you both want completely different things and there's no room for compromise, LEAVE!!! Its not worth it. It's not worth staying in a situation that only has boundaries when things aren't going the way the other person wants it. And finally, you deserve to express your freedom of emotion without feeling like a caged animal. Free yourself. "Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Live like there's no tomorrow." 

B. Coll

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

I was watching this movie the other day, "He's Just Not That Into You". Am I the only one was was utterly disgusted at the opening of the movie? Well if you haven't seen the movie, it opens with children playing at a park. A little girl is building a sand castle and this little boy walks over and as she smiles, he pushes her very hard. The little girl asks, "What did you do that for?" and the little boys says, "because you smell like dog poo. You look like dog poo and you're made of dog poo." And she cries. 

Is this what disgusted me? NO!  It was when she went to the woman in charge with tears in her eyes and told her what the little boy said. This adult, this grown human being, this adult individual told the little girl,"He only hit you and said those mean things to you because he likes you. He doesn't know how to express himself." 

UTTERLY DISGUSTING!

Is this really what we want to plant into the minds of out little girls Psyche's? I mean do we really want our daughters growing up thinking that a man doesn't love them unless he's saying mean things or abuses her? And then we wonder why so many women are emotionally displaced. We wonder why our young girls have this "I want a thug"  mentality. We wonder why some women feel the need to hold on to this abuse. We wonder how can they possibly love a man who degrades them mentally, physically, and emotionally. Its because somewhere along the lines someone told them "He's only hitting you because he loves you", or "He only talks like that to you because he don't now how to express himself." 

When are we going to stop making excuses for his irate behavior? When are we going to stop lying to our girlfriends about the possibilities that "he will call or "he does like you." We as women need to take responsibilities for our own actions. A man can only do to you what you allow him to do! Yes allow!

We must take responsibility for our self assurance and self worth. You do not need a man to complete you. You need a man that complements you. You must be a whole person before entering into a relationship, because if you're not and he leaves, it leaves you with nothing. No dignity, no self-respect, no you. Never give up you to be with anyone. And stop listening to the bull crap that your girls are constantly putting in your head. A real friend is going to be completely honest with you, even at times when you want it sugarcoated, she's going to give it to you raw and real (R&R). 

So find that friend whose gonna sit down with you while you explain your issues with men, and hope and pray that she wipes your tears, look you in your eyes, and in the kindest way she says,"He's just not into you."